I didn’t want to write anything about this. I had hoped to avoid the topic altogether. But I’ve held off as long as I could and the time is right to just come out and say it. So, here goes: Howard K. Stern is a DOUCHEBAG.

There. I did it. And ya know what? It actually feels kinda nice.

He really is a douche, though. And I know that is old news for a lot of you who have followed the Anna Nicole saga, but jeez, I am just so tired of this guy. I really hate seeing his stupid face everywhere from CNN to Comedy Central. He makes me sick and I’m tired of it.

It’s simple, really. Take the friggin DNA test and, if you’re not the father of Anna’s baby, move the hell on. Give the baby to whoever she belongs to and get your own damn life. Anna’s dead, dude. Your cash cow is buried and you’ll never be able to bathe yourself in the aura of her pseudo-celebrity ever again. Give it up, Howard.

Seriously, doesn’t anyone think of the kids anymore? Here is this little girl, Dannielynn, who is going to grow up without a mother. And Howard is only causing this child further pain by prolonging her from being in a stable home with her biological father, whoever that may be. Howard, do you really think this baby deserves the media circus? Does she really deserve this constant running back and forth just so you can avoid what seems clear to a lot of people to be inevitable? That she just isn’t yours?

Look, I know there is a lot of money involved here. That baby will one day inherit a great deal of dough. But come on already. No amount of money is worth all this. You can’t put a dollar sign on doing the right thing.

So please, Howard, I beg of you. Let’s get this over with. CNN needs to start covering news again. And Comedy Central needs to go back to comedy. Because, no matter how you slice it, a dead celebrity and a motherless child can’t be news forever. And it’s never ever going to be funny.