The bass coming from his car stereo was deafening. I could literally hear him coming as he turned down the street. And when he pulled into his driveway and parked, my eardrums were vibrating. I could hardly take it anymore.

I looked out my window and saw him sitting there, music still blasting from his speakers. I wondered if I should say something to him? Just go out there and belittle him in front of everyone for daring to be so inconsiderate. Why would someone be so rude as to blare music at this hour of the night? Or any other time, for that matter?

And just as that thought crossed my mind, he turned off the ignition and the car was finally silent. Peace at last. I saw him open his door and, at nearly the exact same time, saw the passenger side door open. “Oh great,” I thought. He’s got someone with him. Another idiot, I’m sure.

But no. This stupid douchebag walked around to the other side of his car, reached in and pulled out…his daughter. Yes, his little girl was sitting right next to him while this friggin moron destroyed her hearing. Perfect!!

I was stunned. I absolutely could not believe it. Was he really that stupid? That idiotic? That…big of a douchebag? As it turns out, yes, yes and oh God, yes!!

I have to tell you, I kind of knew he was a bit of a dummy the day he moved in. You know how sometimes you see someone and you just know it? How you can just sort of smell the 4th grade reading level coming out of their pores? Well, that’s the sense I had with this guy.

First of all, he looks like a Cro-Magnon Man. He walks all hunched over and I’m sure if I were to inspect him closer, I’d find his knuckles all scraped up from dragging his fists like an ape. But I dare not approach him. The signs in front of his house clearly say to not feed the animals. And I don’t want to tempt him to gnaw off my foot or something if I get too close.

But what burns me up most of all about this guy is his girlfriend. Aside from having bad taste in men, she is also the mother of his now deaf child. She actually procreated with him. Ugh!

And she is so good looking! It drives me mental. I won’t sit here and say she is a perfect 10. But she is a strong 7 with great potential for an 8 at any given time. And she’s friendly and nice and…DUMB AS A BOX OF ROCKS because she is with this baffoon.

But this is the cross I have come to bear. For whenever I see a douchebag in the wild, he is almost always hand in hand with a babe. It is a sad fact of reality. Chicks dig jerks. Why? I don’t know. I’ve stopped trying to figure it out and have just come to accept it.

I do take some comfort in this, though: When it comes to the douchebag next door, his girlfriend has to live with him. The rest of us just have to deal with him.

Thank God for that.